Adventures of the nothing man

Friday 22nd July

"how many are you feeding ?..."

Today was spent preparing...preparing for our trek to Switzerland, I don't mean us I mean the Swiss !!!
Mandy was in her semi panic efficiency mode, organising things to take and things not to take, however the things not to take were in the minority.

09:00: Haircut - for me, with the silent hairdresser, she never talks, I'm guessing that courtesy is extra. She puts the sheep shearers away and shows me the back of my head..I mean what do I say ? It looks like she's shaved the back of my head, so I, like thousands of others, simply nod and say "great, thanks very much".....

09:30: "It's very short...", "well yes it's called a hair cut"...every time's the same, I don't know what she (Mandy) expects...I go out with shaggy hair and come back without any..."It'll be the scissors that'll have done that", I say sarcastically.....

10:00: Nursing my bruised arm, I attempt to assist with the packing...ha! fat chance, Mandy's got it all under outof control, so I wander around pretending to be useful...

11:00: The packing is beginning to take shape, and I'm beginning to wonder if we've got a big enough car....

12:00: Hertz rent - a - van are apparently out of HGV's, so we'll have to put up with the Mondeo. Ryan has helpfully finished school now (for this year), so Mandy has gone to get him....I help by, copying some movies to my laptop and ensuring that they can be played, well someone has to sort out the entertainment...

14:00: Jack's finished school, so the ninja, jedi, battle will re-commence, via that well known ninja, jedi device...the trampoline battle arena...

16:00: Bit of a jump coz I've been busy...packing up the car...well I say packing...I mean fitting a quart into a pint pot...I bring the suitcases down, I say bring I mean they bring me o down the stairs...I borrow next doors forklift and put them in the boot...this could be interesting. Mandy has assembled the assorted ASDABE carrier bags under the stairs. Packed with food (That we'll never eat) and various other ecutraments....(that we'll never need) and they go in as best I can put them....Next up 4,000 towels and some quilt covers..."Ok is that everything..." I ask knowing the answer to the question already, "no, there's these three carrier bags of essential items too"...ok essential items...like hairspray...aha....I managed to squeeze them in but it's a real struggle..."ok is that it ?", I ask in desperation, ...."yup I think so....", comes the unbeleivable reply, "so what are those bags there ?", I ask knowing the answer,...." oh yeah I was meaning to mention about those.."..

17:00: Several repacks later I manage to close the boot of the car...Now we're off the Mandy's Mums for dinner...yup the 4,999 I guess will be coming too...

18:30: Ok, I can't move....Dinner is finished, Roast Beef mountain has been consumed and a piece of treacle pudding with custard for good measure....

19:30: We say our goodbyes, and make our way...in the car to the Holiday Inn Express at Canterbury.

22:30: Poxy M25 was snarled up between junctions 10 and 7, so we decided to make a detour around them, down some country lanes..which added about 40 minutes to the trip... One of these country lanes contains a can of yellow paint which Mandy doesn't see until late so can't avoid it and it decides to repaint the car with.

23:00: Made it to the Holiday Inn Express, which was surprisingly good for the £49.00 we paid for it. The kids bed was even made up...something has got to give, I discover that the something that gave was a filling contained within my mouth, why every year just before I go on holiday !!!!

Saturday 23rd July 2005

"It's a bloody long way swizerland isn't it ?"

6:00 AM!! - I know I can't quite believe it either, but we manage to drag ourselves up in time to grab some breakfast (well it was free, so sod em !).

7:30: We've checked out and all is good, on our trip down to Dover which is about 20 minutes away, our ferry is about 8:15 so we've plenty of time.

08:10: On our way through customs where some customs official, decidedly too nice for a customs official asks us the usual questions with the usual answers...."Just the four of you is it ?", I do a quick count up of heads and "yup just us four" comes my reply, "did you do your packing yourself....?", much to Mandy's constenation, I reply "yes I did it all myself", "are you carrying anything for anyone else ?...", I was tempted to mention POD, but even I couldn't be that cruel, "no", comes my reply.

08:15: We're just about starting to load up on the ferry, I can't quite believe that we're going to drive to Switzerland....

08:30: On ye olde pride of Calais, chugging our merry way across to err..Calais. There's not much to see, so we go and get a cup of overpriced coffee and tea and coke and ribena £4.64!!! Mandy insists that this isn't that unreasonable, so I guess I'm just really out of touch with these things.

09:30 / 10:30: We're just pulling into Calais harbour, so we're gathering ourselves by the stair well, next to the information desk which has a really natty P&Oh don't bother, port set, only £9.99 ! reduced from £19.99, I don't know how Jack and Ryan are containing themselves with the prospect of spending their not so hard earnt pocket money on such a thing but they manage to, just.

10:45: We're back in the car ready to begin our journey...

11:00: We're in France !! Step dad's directions and several maps at the ready. This is seeming to be all too easy.

12:00: We're really motoring now, but we need to stop for petrol so we make for one of the many "aire de...." service stations, to fill up on notso cheap french petrol. I discover that actually 30 litres of fuel costs a round a bout the same as it does in the UK, thereby dispelling that myth once and for all...

12:15: Back and motoring again, POD is now having a bit of an issue with his screen, so much so that the headphones that were plugged in to it are now lost amongst the various shoes and other items in the foot well...so we find the next "aire de...." and stop so I can sort him out, (don't tempt me).

12:30: Back and motoring now, a few more miles and it'll be time to hand over to Mandy for her 1st leg of the trip.

13:00: Mandy's driving now and I know she's talking to me, but my eyes are soooo heavy I just can resist grabbing 40 winks, whilst still remembering to say "yeah" and "no" in the relevant right places..

14:00: Time for a break so we approach the next service station with an eating symbol...."It's got a roundabout..." Mandy sobs, "just follow the arrows love.." I reassure her...somehow going around the roundabout the wrong way is literally wrong but we make it and stop at the service station and buy some lunch at the eating centre (centre de mange). It's tricky but we make it through by me using my school boy french, even I know how to say "une 'ot dog", I order something very complicated, a Parisian something or other...looks quite nice...it's basically a toasted bagette with ham and cheese and "SACRE BLEU!" BLOODY TOMATO...so I commence attempting to part the tomato from the melted cheese and make a nice mess in to the bargain.

14:45: All done with eating now, filled up and ready to rumble (well I am so we wind down the windows), it's my turn to drive again.

15:30: Time to stop, smoke a cigarette and fill up with petrol, KABOOOM!!!, nearly got those the wrong way around...petrol first, then cigarette...Mandy is going to the loo so I wander about and what the hell smoke another cigarette....I watch as an obviously British tourist woman gets out of her car, walks round to the rear passenger door, opens it and then CRAAAASHHH!!!, horror, her 27 bottles of duty free jack daniels, fall out on to the road...her husband has obviously seen this, said something helpful and is now just sitting in the drivers seat watching his wife pick up the broken glass...so, British!!!

16:00: About halfway there now....

17:00: Stop for a break and Mandy's turn to drive again....We phone Lisa, my sister who lives currently in Geneva, but who is just about to move back to the UK after
8 years, Oxford to be precise, if we'd left our holiday for a month I'd have a much shorter drive to contend with...not quite as scenic, but hey I'd have taken it....anyhow where was I, ah yes we phone her to see how close we actually are...."about 2 and half hours away" comes the reply...

17:30: We pull in to one more "aire de..." and there's another roundabout, "this isn't one of those two way roundabouts", comes Mandy's informed question, I try but I can't help laughing out loud for quite some time....

18:00: We've finally managed to stop sobbing and the children have been peeled from the ceiling of the car and are watching another completely unsuitable film that Ryan managed to sneak in while I wasn't looking....Time for me to drive since this is the bit that's a little tricky.

18:30: Now this is looking fairly scary....There's this tunnel, it's 3,100km long that's like 2 miles or something, but worse is to come, the other side of the tunnel is a viaduct, it's not actually via anything as there is literally clouds underneath it. I'm not looking my eyes are clamped to the steering wheel of the car, my eyes are clamped to the car in front and my arse is now firmly clamped to the seat....I helpfully suggest that Ryan take some pictures of the mountains as we drive past them...There's the sound of lots of zoom and click...we'll review the pictures later. This hell seems to go on forever but eventually we see the signs for the border...

19:00: Ok we're at the border...a very stroppy looking border guard has directed us over to the left hand side with all the other "tourists"...We've been forwarned however, as you have to buy a permit in Switzerland for using the motorways...aha!! We purchase our motorway sticker and affix it to the rear view mirror, which seems to me to be the best place for it.

19:30: "It says follow the signs for Geneva airport....", " I have", "I don't think we're supposed to be at the departures car park!!!"...we take a ticket and then drive straight out the other side...luckily we don't need to pay...

20:00: We're on the wrong side of the road, which seems to me that at every junction Mandy can go "ohhhh! you're on the wrong side of the road..." then say "no, sorry you're ok.."...we manage by some miracle to find our camp site and communicate with this french guy who we are and what the hell it has to do with him...he takes 160 euro deposit and gives us a pack (all in french) and a key..

20:10: We drive up the hill..to our, let's call it bejou, mobile home...You literally can't swing a cat in it, but a poodle with vicious tendancies seems to believe that he lives there...Ryan helpfully hands me a light sabre but stops short of saying "use the force dad", the "brut" is sitting in the corner growling...

20:15: Luckily the site manager (the french guy at the start) is here and I explain to him that the dog isn't ours (well at least I think he understands that!), he disappears and comes back with a very apologetic french man, who simply scoops up the dog and apologises again and walks away....We're basically here....the unpacking begins...Our holiday in Switzerland (ahem france actually) has just begun...

Sunday 24th July 2005

"all I want is a bloody pillow..."

08:00: I awake, think I can't really be in this much pain and I must really be asleep, but no, I am awake, having spent the night tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable with the distinctly hairy, hasn't seen a washing machine since it's been made, blanket that we have for our bed covering and the wafer they call a pillow, for a pillow, in fact awake and out of bed is the most comfortable way to be. I exchange morning grunts with Jack who's up already playing his gameboy (level 6 apparently) and put the travel kettle on. I open up and it's a beautiful day (of rain), but still 28 degrees, I sit down on the step and smoke my first cigarette trying (without glasses) to watch the world go by.

08:30: Looking around at the camp, directly behind us the fir tree covered Jura mountains, seem to rise up almost instantly. They're dark and almost overpowering. The cabins face almost directly east, so the sun in the morning is something to behold. The road up to the cabin we're in is basically a stoney, track, which throws up a load of dust whenever anyone who ignores the 10km speed limit goes by. Set in regimented rows the cabins are white plastic, with screwed on green pretend shutters.
Apart from the many trees all in what seems to be in various degrees of decay, there doesn't seem to be much else in the way of vegitation, the odd bush here and there, playing host to the many sparrows that sit there waiting to pounce on any dropped crumb of bread. Curiously though there are in between each of the cabins, conifer hedges, which almost, almost give the camp an air of housing estate je ne sais quoi.

09:00: This morning there is "welcome drinks" at Le Fleutron, the camp site we'll be inhabiting for the next two weeks, my mind drifts back to work and wondering if the weekly backups have been checked at all this weekend, since I haven't done it. Quickly though I dispell those thoughts as I could care less, but not much.

11:00: We all make it up in the rain to the "welcome drinks", but Mandy, Ryan and Jack decide just before it starts that they don't need to be there. I feel it my duty to stay so I do and I'm presented with lots of french people speaking about what they do, quickly followed by a semi-English translation...all terribly interesting stuff, none of which I remember so it was all a bit of a waste of time.

11:45: We're in the car and on our way back across the french border in to switzerland. The Psycho, lesbian border guard, is making us slow down and waits for me to wind down the window, say "bonjour" before waving us through...all I feel will become apparent in the fullness of time.

12:00: We arrive at my sisters (Lisa) ground floor flat in Versoix and as soon as we're out of the car we hear children calling "they're here!!!" excitedly...How typically English are we that our visitors can hear us before they can see us !!!??

12:30: We've been at my Sisters for about 30 minutes and lunch will doubtless ensue shortly....When Roy (my brother-in-law) can be arsed to make it ;-)). The kids have split up in to their gangs....Ryan with Rhys, cricket, football, cricket-football and any other combination thereof... Jack and Owen, pokemon, gameboy, pokemon, pokemon, pokemon and Bethan, and anyone who'll play with her, which in this case is Mandy...No sooner have we sat down than the "wack the creatures", rollerskates, spongebob squarepants jigsaw puzzle, are all out and Mandy is dutifully employed, much to my amusement.

13:00: We have lunch and chat some more. We the commence cricket much to the delight of Rhys.

15:00: We're all worn out and have got heatstroke now so we decide to go for a walk !!!! A walk ? We went along to see the lake and beach and the kids schools, and then come full circle back to Lisa's...."Anyone for cricket..." comes the call from Rhys who obviously hasn't had two cousin's and an uncle in ages to play with and is heart set on making the most of the time..

19:00: Bit to eat, bit more chatting...

20:00: We make our way back before it gets really scary and dark and we're locked out of our camp...

20:30: Kids in the shower (one at a time), it's a struggle one person getting in the bloody thing.

21:00: We get the kids to bed and settle down ourselves still recovering from yesterdays exertions.

22:00: We're now both showered and shattered and ready for bed. I break open the laptop and discover that it won't play the DVD's I'd brought or the DVD of some TV programmes I'd recorded !! (Bonus!). I contemplate, watching them in the car using the screens and player we'd got for the kids, but I'm soon put in my place by Mandy who thinks that idea (rightly so, she's reading this as I type it !!) is daft.

Monday 25th July 2005

"hmmmm...knight to king pawn four I think...."

11:00: Pre 11am is still dark in France / Switzerland so not much to write about there. We make it to Lisa's in a thunderstorm and the threat of more. The plan therefore is go in to Geneva and "have a look around" which is code for go shopping. In order to do this we have to take a 10 minute train ride..excellent, get to experience swiss transport, cosmic, can't wait..

11:30: Sat on a miserable, Milton Keynes, concrete jungle platform waiting for a train, my idea of a fun day out already ;-)). We get the train, "it's got springy seats", I comment, trying to make conversation...We arrive in Geneva on time and it's only cost us 12 francs (£8) to get there. Now on to a bus... The city itself is fairly like any other city, but with the addition for some reason of lots of models of cows in various different colours and themes, "hmmm".

12:00: We stop for a bite to eat in a little cafe, toasted sandwiches seem to be the order of the day and very nice they were too. The heavens have opened but we don't care since we're in side.

13:00: Walking up a cobbled street, Lisa knows where she's going, and then it happens...KABOOM!, big flash of forked lightning, and a massive clap of thunder...the gods have woken up and discovered the POD in Geneva and aim to get him!!! Mandy is cowering under a big iron cannon (ok I made that bit up, but she was cowering) walks in thunder storms are not her favourite pass-time. The storm soon passes and we make it to a park, where they have giant chess and draughts sets, so the kids go about playing each other.

14:00: I can't help myself I end up playing both games and winning !!!

15:00: We're at the end of our sight-seeing tour, so we stop at a little cafe by the lake, the kids have an ice cream and Lisa, Mandy and I have a coffee.

Tuesday 26th July 2005:

"I just wanna sleep, lemme sleep, pleeez"

09:00: It was too hot last night, even with all the windows open....I spent most of the night trying to sleep on the "settee" in the "front room". I spent about an hour exterminating the various bugs that decided to take refuge in our caravanette.

09:30: It's already 25 degrees, and finding somewhere to stay cool is quite tricky. I decide to take a little solice in the shower, but my comfort is short lived as I get out and
I'm hit by the heat wave again.

10:00: In to Divonne, a small village / town at the foot of the Jura mountains... We buy some bread and then the boys spot a toy shop. Jack is particularly interested in the Star Wars jedi fighter lego set in the window, which is only 9 euro's, which is a ridiculous price. Mandy has spotted some mini badminton and some TABLE TENNIS bats (not bloody ping pong). I gesture towards the window trying to explain that we want to buy the lego star wars, to he shop keeper who's a woman probably in her 80's. She goes out the back and brings back some step ladders!! She then proceeds very slowly to climb in to the window and retrieve the said star wars lego jedi starfighter set.
She rings it all up and we discover that the squiggle just before the 9 is actually a 4 hmmm, 49 euros...which is about £25 not quite what we wanted to pay, but a. my french isn't up to telling her this and b. I don't have the heart to watch her climb through the window again....

11:00: Today we're off back into swizerland, past the lesbian ex-gestapo, customs official....but luckily today we've discovered that sticking the motorway pass sticker, the right way around, seems to placate them!!

11:15: We're at Lisa's, the plan is to go to Versoix beach today, but we'll go after lunch. "Anyone gonna play cricket..." comes the call from Rhys, Ryan obliges him, as Jack and Owen, go and do pokemon stuff....

12:30: It's a short walk to the beach, which is fairly busy, but the kids enjoy, paddling and swimming in the water. Even I venture to dip my toes in the water, which is freezing but somehow quite nice...

13:00: "Uncle Paul, will you play football with me and Ryan..." Rhys asks, I think for a minute, it is after all about 30 degrees in the shade...."Ok" I reply, so we set up our stumps as goal posts in the park immediately behind the beach, which seems to be inhabited by Portugese non descripts...There seems to be some discussion between Rhys and Ryan, resulting in Rhys determining that since Ryan and his ages combined are younger than my age (36) that he and Ryan should be "against" me in our little football match. So not only is my goal twice the size of theres, not only am I older than both of them by some distance, not only do I have two dodgy ankles, but I now also have to play against two, children intent on winning at all costs...hmmm...this could be interesting....

13:15: Ten minutes in...6-2 to Ryan and Rhys, I tried running but it really wasn't happening, and I think I've lost about a stone in weight just by standing there. "Uncle Paul, we'll play first team to 10 ok ?", like I had a choice, but as I can't stand losing, at least twice as much as Ryan and Rhys combined, I decide I'm going to win....I go on a bit of a spree, brushing children to one side, in order to place the ball in the net (not that we had a net)...10 minutes later it's 8-9. "How many goals have you scored uncle paul ?", "9" I reply, "ok" he says... I take the ball past Rhys, which isn't as easy as you might think, since he has two legs that actually work...I shoot towards the bottom right hand corner, Ryan saves it, and I knock in the rebound...then proceed to do a slow lap of honour...."you haven't scored 9 goals" comes the desperate plea from Rhys, "no" I reply, "I've now scored 10"...Uncles can be sooo mean ;-))...

15:30: The kids are just polishing off ice creams, (keeps em quiet)

16:30: Cricket has commenced...what's particularly strange is that, when the kids are out, fielding doesn't seem to be half as much fun and they seem to vanish to do other things.

17:30: By the time it gets to my turn to bat, there's Mandy and Bethan and Owen fielding, Jack, Rhys and Ryan have disappeared...Mandy decides to bowl but my heart really isn't in it, though I do try and she bowls me out with one of her googly under arm deliveries, frankly unplayable....

18:15: Made it back to Lisa's but we have to leave quite quickly as I've booked the camps tennis court for half past.

18:30: Back at the camp, I've got the key for the Tennis court...and Ryan, Jack and I have a little tournament, of best of three games...Jack's tactic seems to be to whine his opponent into submission, it's not working and he's getting more and more stroppy...I then have the task of trying to run again, playing Ryan in the final, it's a tight affair, but I win through 2 games to 1... It's stil about 30 degrees and tomorrow is supposed to be hotter....another night on the sofa, then......

Wednesday 27th July 2005:

"It'd be really nice if we had a blizzard at this point...."

09:00: Sacre bloody mento ! 31 degrees !!! at 9am ?? Today is going to be a screaming hot day. Luckily Mandy managed to get the Mondeo's air con fixed before we came away..you'd literally die without it.

09:30: Today we're off to a little village / town called Nyon. They have a couple of outdoor pools there, some volley ball / badminton courts, table tennis and a play area, and you can even swim in the lake if you don't fancy the swimming pool..

10:30: We arrive at Nyon, the car thermometer is reading 33 degrees. We get out of the car and immediately I have sweat running down, basically every vertical surface of my body...It costs us 20 swiss francs to get in which is about £10, so not too bad. The lake water temperature meter is reading 23 degrees which is looking more and more inviting. The kids go off to the fun pool and I contemplate, how much sunlight I'll block off if I take my shirt off. I do it any way and follow Bethan in to the fun pool. The boys are playing Star wars or some derivative, so Bethan and I play busses. The water is at that special "whu!" temperature, just on the edge of being too cold, but in the air temperature, it's all you can do to get some relief.

12:30 We spend an enjoyable day here, the kids are beginning to get a little burnt around the edges and the least said about Mandy the better!!!

13:30: The temperature is now 35 degrees and getting unbearable again, the lake water temperature is now 24 degrees, another dip is in order, it's odd since the water now seems colder even though I know it isn't. Once I'm out Mandy suggests that I go and get some chips for lunch...none of us really want anything else to be fair.
I come back with Chicken nuggets and chips and Beef and chips, yup roast beef and chips, fan-bloody-tastic...

15:30: Despite liberal and frequent application of sun tan oil / sun block, we're all getting a bit crispy. Lisa has had enough, though I think the kids could have stayed another week in the pool, grown fins and eventually been released in to the lake...To be honest there's only so much sun I can take and Mandy and Lisa agree that it's time to go. "What are you going to do when you get back..." asks Lisa, "dunno" I reply, "well you could always come food shopping with me..." she responds, and Mandy agrees since we do need to buy a few bits...

16:00: We've arrived at the mega market at Balexay or whatever it's called and we're making our way around the supermarket. Roy has joined Lisa from work and we sort of go our separate ways, even though every other isle, we seem to bump in to each other. We get our food items and then take the kids to the toy section. Ryan has spotted a lego, tie-fighter which is 35 francs which is about £25 since we bought Jack his one the other day, it only seems fair to let Ryan spend his money on this...

17:30: Mandy has regained her need to shop and is now "just having a look" in one or two of the frankly over price clothes shops. She spots a C&A and makes a b-line for it. Unfortunately though, they don't have her size in the one skirt that she was fairly interested in.

18:00: We're finished and all a bit bush wacked, so now we have to try and find where the hell we parked the car!! After some wondering around, we catch site of Owen's orange baseball cap and follow it and him and Lisa back to their and therefore our car. We follow them back along the motorway and then we make our own way back to the camp site.

18:30: Tea consists of me having a salad with some bacon and chicken (a bit of a concoction but hey it tasted fantastic)

19:00: Mandy has burnt her legs quite badly and is feeling very uncomfortable, so imagine her joy, when Jack suggests that they play badminton...

20:00: The live music has begun. The band is called Cac-Tus, and they're bloody awful..we can hear them from our cabin, but it would seem that we're in the minority as the rest of the camp have got themselves all done up and are making their way down there. Cack (to use the shortened version of their name) are a sort of Country and western / rock and roll 2-3 piece, but all the same very french, and without a great deal of that essential element, talent.

21:00: Fortuantely Cack! have finished so the kids can go to bed, hah ! fat chance, while there's lego to be made...

22:00: Finally the kids have just gone to bed..

22:30: Mandy and I settle down to watch the other half of the film that she fell asleep during on Sunday.

00:00: I take my laptop in to my bedroom (the front room), having said goodnight to Mandy, and watch another episode of Robin of Sherwood (the penultimate one, it's all a bit tense)...

01:00: It's still too hot....but I manage to drift off..

Thursday 28th July 2005:

"It is actually illegal to use gameboys in france...."

09:00: Today we will spend most of the day by the pool at le Fleutron. It's 35 degrees the hottest day of our holiday so far. Lisa and the kids are coming over so our two warring factions will be at peace (we hope)...

10:30: An exhausted looking Lisa, followed by 3 little ducks is walking up the hill. Apparently she'd tried the secret security code to discover that it didn't work. This we think is because the code is only for us to use. She explains that she went into the reception and was greeted by el stroppy bugger, who tells her that as a visitor she can't park inside the camp...hmmm. Anyhow she's parked in the visitors car park (the name obviously gives that one away) and walked up.

10:45: Almost as soon as they arrive, we're walking down to the pool at the camp. The pool supervisor who is obviously in love with herself struts up and down ensuring that no one, I mean no one enters the pool area with shorts that are over the knee. The sign at the entrance does have a picture of a pair of shorts crossed out, but since no one else seems to take any notice, I don't see why we should. We sit down in the little bar area and are almost immediately engulfed in flies. Killer flies of Moooordoooorgh...I would hasten to add.

11:00: The kids are stripped and making their way to the pool, having dodged the gaze of the strutting supervisor... I go to the bar, swatting several thousand flies to order three coffees. "avez vous renverse ?" I ask with my fluent french, "comment ?" comes the reply, aha!, "cafe creme ?" I try again, "oui monsieur", "ah bon, trois fois de cafe creme si vous plait", I could be a translater I'm that good....He goes away for what seems like an eternity and comes back with the smallest cups and saucers I've ever seen. Clearly, this isn't quite what I had in mind, but I smile and say thank you in my bestest french. It's becoming clear to me that the French and the Swiss for that matter, don't use mugs, in fact I'm not sure they even have a word for it, though doubtless my sister will correct me on that.

11:30: It's decided that I'll go and book the tennis court for the kids to play tennis. What would be a really daft time to book a court ? In the middle of a heat wave ? Yup 2pm...I book it all the same, doing so by talking to a guy who's claim to fame is that he speaks good german, fantastic...You can tell he's just itching to speak it but I don't let up on him so he's knackered.

12:30: The kids and us are all getting a little hungry now, so we decide to make our way back to the cabin and Mandy does a buffet of cold meats, bread and cheese, crisps etc etc.

13:30: Lunch is over, very nice too if I do say so myself. We sit and talk for a bit more, then 2pm is upon us so we have to move away from our shady spot in to full blazing sun at 35-36 degrees....hmmm

14:00: I've gon and got the key from the man at recpetion. A different man none the less, and I'm beginning to notice, that as soon as they detect that you're English, they have a tendancy to look if not feel scared shitless. The look is one of almost terror, of a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights of an oncoming juggernaut, but I digress.
I walk the "Key of doom" over to the tennis courts and the competition commences.

14:30: "I'm telling you it's out!", I'm insistent, and Ryan's racket is flying it's way across the court, not for the first time. Another thing I've noticed, about tennis courts this time, generally that is...Why do they paint concrete courts green ? It's not like it's remotely like grass and it's very very odd. Any how we're playing "Ryan stays on..." since he's 12 and basically better at tennis than his brother and his cousins. Sayng that though Jack has a pretty impressive, "hit it as far up in the air as you can" shot, which is virtually unplayable.

15:00: Tennis is now over, the games finished with Me and Jack and Lisa and Rhys, taking to the court in a doubles match. I hasten to add that the Proberts won, (my sister), with some very dubious, shots and not a little mark of professionalism in her play. She claimed to not have played for 25 years, though I'm sure I saw someone very similar to her at wimbledon this year...hmmmm...

15:30: Back to the pool as we "canna take it...", the kids go in this time, but I prefer to slide about in my own sweat on the fly infested bar area chairs, lurrrvely...

16:30: Lisa and the kids are getting back now, we say goodbye, knowing that tomorow we'll be seeing them again (they're gonna be sick of the sight of us by the end of the two weeks I swear).

17:30: Mandy has just blown her proverbial stack at the kids. It was coming, either she was going to do it or I was, so it's probably a good thing that she did it, as I always end up breaking things... The stack blow has been coming because our two like every other two in history are constantly bickering with each other. Ryan is now in their bedroom crying, almost convincingly and Jack is now quietly playing his gameboy...peace, well for a bit anyway.

18:30: The "pizzaria" opens at 7pm so we've decided to try and last until then.

19:00: We pop down to the fly infested bar area, which also doubles as a take away, and order our pizza's. We sit there for 30 minutes and Ryan and Jack go for a cooling swim.

20:00: Back to chez cabin, and consume our meal with rather less company than we were getting at the pool.

21:00: Time to try and persuade the kids that they really need a shower and that after that it really is time for bed, some hope......

Friday 29th July 2005

"oooh goody thunderstorms what else could I ask for..."

09:00: Friday starts just like any other day...me sat on the steps of "le cabin" smoking a fag...waiting for the kettle to boil and man it's bloody hot again. This will be because of the mother of all thunder storms that we didn't have last night, but they are predicted for today along with hail and lots and lots of rain.

10:30: We're off to the local out of town shopping centre for a browse and to pick up a couple of bits like bread etc that we'll need for today...."

11:30: We've made it over to Lisa's who's come up with the brillian plan of taking the kids to see "Charlie et le choclaterie" or "charlie and the chocolate factory" to you and me. Given that the weather isn't supposed to be the greatest it sounds like a great plan to waste a couple of hours and be entertained all the same.

14:00: We make it to the shopping centre where the cinema is located at the top story of the entire place. They've got something like 10 screens up there and if you can cope with the altitude sickness then you're in luck. Now when I say this was a great idea by my sister, what I meant to say was that now having re-mortgaged my house to pay for our tickets (some 62 swiss francs or 35ish quid), it's looking like this has got to be the best film ever made. It had better be or there'll be t-rubble.

14:10: We queue up to buy the regulation drink and popcorn, again, subsidising the health or education of a small 3rd world country in to the bargain and we're sorted. We're also 30 minutes early for the film which means the kids can continue talking and playing star wars and pokemon for a little longer, as frankly they've not had enough time to do so, so far this holiday !!!

14:15: "I want the toilet..." comes the almost universal cry from all the kids (and Mandy), no no we couldn't have gone while we were just standing right next to them oh no that wouldn't be half as much fun. To be honest I could do with going, since I seem to have managed to purchase the largest cup of coke in history all for a measly £300. So I put my stuff in an orderly fashion and get up...just in time to see the last of the kids and Mandy and Lisa disappear off through the exit of the screen...I'd better stay and look after the bags I figure...

14:20: Everyone is just filing back in, so I stand up again "where are you going", asks Mandy, "for a leak.." I reply in my very best English, "couldn't you have gone when we went ?" comes the almost annoyed reply, "well I would have just left your bag here but I figured I'd better stay and look after it for you..." I retort, "oh! sorry" comes the almost apologetic reply, it's no good I'm not going to get away with that sarcasm and sure enough the pixies are waiting at the foot of the stairs with their trip wire and I go base over apex and end up staring up at the ceiling, very embarrassed....shouts of "oh my god" and "are you alright" come from Mandy and Lisa almost in union, POD just laughs and I have to admit I'm seeing the funny side of it too, so he's forgiven....for now....

14:30: The picture starts, complete with French and German subtitles, which you can't help but read.

16:30: Ok this isn't a movie review so I'll spare you, it was ok, had some funny moments and on the whole it isn't a bad film (it's not oscar material either). The kids on the other hand seem to have loved it, so that's ok then.

17:00: We're in Migro the big supermarket over here's restaurant, we've all got drinks and are busy drinking them, when Mandy reports that she didn't realise the subtitles were in french and german and had spent a significant part of the film (when she wasn't asleep) trying to read both sets, only to realise that they were two different languages, neither of which she can actually read...ah well....

18:00: Lisa is going off to meet Roy from work, so we will have to endeavour to make our own way back to our cabin, and make some dinner. In order to do that we have to have something to eat for dinner, so a quick trip to the super market, which while I pay Mandy has decided to go off and have a look around in H&M. We're not doing bad as between us we've managed to also suss out the swiss stamp machine, which is by no means a mean feat, now all we have to do is to discover something that resembles a post box....We manage to find our way back to our cabin, and Ryan and I have four cheses pasta, with cheese and ham sauce...very nice...Mandy and Jack have decided to have boiled eggs, only to discover that our cabin doesn't have any egg cups. Ingenious as ever Mandy improvises by lining a breakfast bowl with a tea towel and placing her egg in there.....

19:00: The wind has really got up now, I forgot to mention, that while we spent 4 hours or so, watching the film and shopping, the rest of Switzerland had enjoyed, golden sunshine and temperatures of around 35 degrees....weathermen, you can't trust them whatever nationality they are.... The black clouds seem to be circling our cabin for some reason, POD is summoning up spirts (or playing his Gameboy).

20:00: Now we're cooking, there's lightning and big rumbles of thunder and it's just started raining, I say raining, I mean that God has simply upturned a god sized bucket of water on Switzerland (and the bit of France we're staying in) Then the hailstones start, note to self, never stay in a cabin that has a tin roof....I'm almost deaf, but I figure what the hell and I've recording the events since they started. Mandy though is getting very twitchy as the storm gets worse...what harm could come to me I think as I'm leaning out of the cabin door holding on to the metal door frame and pointing my camcorder up at the sky....

Saturday 30th July 2005:

"phew! a good nights sleep at last..."

09:00 Up again at the crack of dawn, well it's as near to the crack as I want to get...it is 08:00 UK time, so since I'm still "car lagged" and I'm suffering with altitude sickeness I'm not doing too bad. Waiting for the kettle to boil, smoking my first fag..

11:30: Quick trip to the local shopping centre, past the gestapo lesbian border official who's busy talking to one of his mates about cigarette allowances or some thing equally anal...

11:45: Shock horror, hold the back page, Mandy has bought a dress!!!

12:00: We make it over to Lisa's, Owen is obviously on sentry duty as he seems to be waiting for us, if he'd had a watch I'm sure he'd be staring at it intently and tutting at this moment in time...

12:30: We grab a quick bite to eat as we're off summer sledding at a place called col de faucile (a col I discover is another name for Mountain Pass)

13:30: The trip up to the mountain was a bit twisty turny and I'd have given anything for my Hyundai Coupe 2.7v6 rather than a labouring Mondeo, who's pull isn't right, even with a 1.8 engine...must get that checked out when we get back...

14:00: "Yes we'll have to go up in the cable car for a bit, to get to the snow..." Mandy is answerring a question from Jack on the subject. I'm looking quzzically at her, "what ?" she asks innocently. Now then I could play this two ways...the right way or the wrong way...the right way is always prefferable imho..."well, you know it's called summer sledding, the clue is in the title", "what there's no snow ?", "no luv", "you come down a concrete run", I'm trying desperately and failing not to laugh...."ok, so I'm a thick cow", comes the response, "well if the cap fits...." I reply....

14:15: Limping ever so slightly since Mandy's knee has managed to miss my testacles altogether and only hit my thigh.

14:30: We sort of pay for two goes each at some exorbitant price and Jack and I are ushered into position so that the chair lift can take us up to the top of the run...

14:45: Ok so we're dangling 30 feet up in the air on a piece of metal bent around a cable...hmmmm..remind me again why I don't like these things ? Mandy has chickened out or volunteered to take photos of us coming down as it's better known.

15:00: There are two runs, a slow one and a fast one, I'm going down with Jack, so three guesses which one he's chosen...yup the fast one. He has no fear, no concept of danger and absolutely no understanding that sometimes you can use the brake on the sled, he's alright as he gets to hold on to the brake arm, me I've got a 9 year old to cling to for grim death...we do that twice and then we decide to get the "proper" cable car up to the top of the mountain.

15:30: I don't know how she's managed to do it but she has, good for her....we're in the cafe at the top and the kids all have drinks. The views are breathtaking so we go out on the balcony that's frankly seen better days, not to mention the odd deathwatch beetle to take some pictures of every one and the scenery.

16:30: Mandy, Roy, Ryan, Owen and Me have "decided" to walk down to the bottom, leaving Lisa, Rhys, Jack and Bethan to go back on the car of doom.

17:00: A very pleasant walk later and we're at the bottom. Mandy's shopping hormone has kicked in since she's desperate to buy her mum a cuckoo clock, something that Roy points out is actually a native of Germany and not switzerland. Un-deterred Mandy is looking though there are only two shops at this ski resort and only one of them sells clocks (and cheese - don't ask)

18:00: Back in the car now and back to Lisa's for dinner, no luck on the clock front I hasten to add, though I'm sure there will be one or two other opportunities.

19:00: Dinner consists of do it yourself pizza's, which is a cracking idea...Mine is laden with cheese and pepparami and ham...it's cooked to perfection and is frankly a work of art.

21:45: Quick back in the car, we've got 15 minutes before we're locked out and have to park and walk back to our cabin...Everything is against us, the lights turn red just to annoy me, but we make it back with about 5 minutes to spare.

22:00: At least it's a lot fresher and not as warm as has been for the rest of the week, I may even get a good nights sleep tonight...though me and tomatoes, could spoil that...

Sunday 31st July 2005:

"Why are all paths in Switzerland up ?"

06:00: Somebody left the exit open I'm afraid, I think it was the normal aversion I have to tomatoes that did it...still the toilet such that it is, is now a no go area for the next couple of hours....I smoke a cigarette, in my dressing gown with my sun glasses on...what a sight...then go back to bed for a bit.

09:45 "wake up please...." I'm awoken to the sound of Mandy frantically trying to make me wake up, since we've run out of milk and the shop closes at 10am, on auto pilot I get dressed and make it to the shop in time...

10:30: Kids are beginning to get on our nerves, constant bickering, "I didn't kick you, you're faking it...", "you did, that's my blanket any way..." grrr

12:00: Over to Lisa's and then a quick stop and back in the car again, today we're off to Le Gruyere which is a bit of a trek, but supposed to be worth it since there's a chateau and a very quaint swiss village....

13:00: Made it to the car park amongst the foothills of the alps, peaks rising all around us and cows with bells on (coz their horns don't work !!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!). Trying to find a space was fun since some poor old dear had mistaken the road around the car parking bays as a parking bay and has now reduced the whole car park to a log jam. She's frantically waving at us to go through, quite what I'm not sure but I am tempted to relieve the world of this numb nuts once and for all. Luckily though six or seven french or spanish or italian or german or something people are on hand to advise the old hag that if she simply used the space that was in front of her, she could save herself and bunch of English expletives. She pulls forward and we manage to get past, just.

13:30: Parked up and about to climb the never ending hill that leads up to the town. First up though we have to sort lunch out. So we sit on basically a park bench about half way up, electric fence on one side, huge hill the other, and break open the bread, cheese and ham and chocolate biscuits and coke and squash etc etc, "bon apetit.." comes the call from more or less everyone who passes by apparently it's some sort of custom that if you see someone eating you have to say that to them. Why they can't just shut up and ignore us like everyone in England would do I don't know....

14:00: Phew, we make it up to the top of the hill, toilet stop....

14:15: Now then Gruyere, the sounds of lots of swiss folk music, fill the air, lots of flower laden buildings...I know that Mandy's shopping radar has spotted the numerous gift shops, so I know the way back could be long....and expensive...

14:30: We make it to the chateau, which is a little bit of a disappointment, in that it's not warwick castle, but given it's surroundings these more than make up for that surrounded by towering mountains on 3 sides it's really quite picturesque.

15:30: Ok we've done the chateau, Jack was in charge of filming some of the castle with some additional material from Ryan....Ryan was then in charge of the digital camera, so the record should be fairly complete.

15:35: Just outside the castle is what looks like the set for a TV show. Sure enough given that it's a famous national holiday in Switzerland, there seems to be a special show featuring a "rock" band of the swiss variety....We dub them 'Cheeseybob and the cheesers', since their practice set seems to involve singing about cheese a lot it's a catchy little number called "mange fromage huh !" a phrase they seem intent on singing over and over again in as many swiss languages as they can....hmmm could be an interesting show...about as interesting as South Today when absolutely nothing has happened and they have to in fill with stories about the WI in upper St Francis, a small village somewhere in the depths of the dorset countryside...I await to be amazed.

15:45: We're on our way back when those immortal words..."do you mind if we have a quick look in the gift shops..." come sliding from Mandy's mouth..."go on then, given that it's been a few days since there was anything resembling anything other than a closed ski shop. She's actually not even shopping for herself. Given that we'd sorted her dad (spitfire dave) out with a credit card sized swiss army knife set, Mandy has decided that her Mum (Olly feeding of the 5,000 was my idea), needs to be bought a cuckoo clock. Tina needs a candle holder (very nice) and Rebecca needs some sweets.

16:00: We check two shops that sell the same clock and they're the same price...big shock !!! We then make the purchase.....she better bloody like it now, we've been looking for one of these for some time now...Mandy has also spotted a bird on a stick in a shop window and she's been looking for one of these for years ...every holiday we go in search of a bird on a stick...this year could be our lucky year !! Who knows we might get back and discover that we've won the lottery jackpot and won't have to go to work any more...yeah I know, then I woke up...

17:00: Ok we're completely framboised (strawberried) and so we decide to make our way back...not an insignificant journey (about an hour). Mandy has offered to drive so I take the opportunity to take in the fantastic view of the mountains over the various bays that we pass, on lake geneva, no five minutes in and zzzzzzZZZZZ, Mandy keeps having to wake me up to see the relevant views...which are breathtaking.

18:30: Back at Lisa's, completely shagged...and having some tea...including my favourite merangue and ice cream (well it's a favourite now!!!)

21:30: On our way back to camp before they lock us out...we arrive at the turning for the camp to be met with the awe and wonderment at the strange British car, by some 100 - 200 people. I'm only guessing but I think it was the petanque camp championship, another organised activity we've managed successfully to extracate ourselves from....luckily....

Monday 1st August 2005:
"Christ that's high...."

08:00: Ok now this is getting annoying....I keep waking up at this time, it's years of conditioning. Today the plan is to go off to some labarynth place that's a bit further away than where we went yesterday, so I'm not looking forward to the travelling side of things, though the park does look good and the kids should enjoy it.

11:00: Lisa, Roy and the Kids are here now, and they've come up with another idea...instead of travelling nigh on 2 hours, we could travel 5 minutes down the road to a place called "Forest Land", imaginitively because it's located in a sort of forest...We evade the gestapo lesbian by not go through customs but attempting to drive past it the other way.....

11:10: We've arrived at "forest land"... we walk in as there's no entrance fee...

11:30: Ok we're sorted apparently there are these high wire things, with zip lines and ladders etc etc up in the canopy of the forest trees. Ok so I'm thinking hmmm, I'm not liking this idea...Ryan is dead set on doing it, Jack is dead set on not doing anything but whining, until I suggest to him that he does the "easy" one with Bethan that's literally a couple of feet off the ground, "ok so now you're forcing me to do this then...", comes his response, "no son", I reply trying not to strangle him, "I just thought you might like to give that one a try and see what you think..." we then have a conversation about how he might actually enjoy doing something other than playing his gameboy, or playing star wars..and in the end he agrees.

12:00: With the ticket for the forest walk (hah!) comes a voucher to use for these trampoline things...with the big elastic cords so they can jump higher....
The only trouble with these seems to be that if you happen to be male of a certain age (frankly 8 upwards), they remove the blood supply to your genitals, and leave you screaming in pain...sounds like a great kids game to me !!! Ryan is one of the first on, followed a little more reluctantly by Jack. Ryan is doing somersaults and enjoying it despite, not being able to father any children any time soon. Jack is bouncing, higher and higher and generally enjoying watching Ryan's discomfort, until his own kicks in and he along with the others quickly exit the "ride"....

12:30: Apparently Ryan is only allowed to go on the intermediate rope walky thing, if he's accompanied by an Adult, that's me, though with hind sight I'd have preferred to do the easy walk with Jack....

12:35: The instructor in charge of giving us our harnesses etc, is doing his best to look like the coolest dude in the park, dark glasses bulging muscles and a tan to die for...the instructor wasn't too bad either....;-))

12:40: The other instructor, the one who actually did something all day other than posing for the tourists, tried desperately to explain everything in french, broken spanish and english, but unfortunately failed miserably. Fortunately Roy was able to desseminate most of the salient points...she would babble on for what seemed like an eternity, and Roy would translate as, "hold on to the cable"....which was quite funny really, since I'm sure she was saying something else in reality.

12:50: Ok we're on our way, safety lines and harnesses on, Ryan is loving evey minute of it, me I'm bloody terrified, especially since I've had to take my glasses off and I seem to have Satan's second son behind me, a small child called Axel, who insists on bouncing up and down on the wires I'm supposed to be walking on. I could swear at him but he wouldn't understand, so I give him one of my glares and miraculously his sister is behind me from now on, and she seems to be a much more considerate girl. I do keep seeing him out of the corner of my eye dangling over the edge of the platforms half way up the tree to see what it's like and that's bad enough, especially since I have to manoevre myself to the next clip on point whilst clinging, rediculously to the tree trunk.

13:30: The last zip wire, over the river to the end, and it's all over...phew...My legs are just about holding up, my heart is just about holding up, but the least said about my stomach and it's contents the better....

13:45: We decide to get lunch here since they do something called "Croque Monsieur" which is basically a toasted cheese and ham sandwich covered with cheese. The kids have hotdogs. I'm eating my sandwich when Mandy calls over "is yours ok ?", "seems to be" I reply, "just that mine seems to be frozen in the middle", I dip my knife in to the centre of the bread, to discover that mine is also still frozen...Roy comes with me back to the food place, to ask could they microwave them a little longer this time, perhaps, until they're cooked and a very aplogetic (in french) waitress / cook, says she'll bring them over to us.

14:00: Got the "Croque Monsieur" back and it's piping hot, in places, other places seem to have avoided the rays of the microwave, rather than send the food back again we simply leave the half we haven't been able to stomach. There comes a time when you just realise that if they can't work out how to thaw frozen bread in a microwave, there's little point in complaining about it.

14:30: Ok we're up the kids are going to have a go on the mini quad bikes. I'd have had a go, but since that would mean me being on the same track as Ryan Schumacher, I decide against it.

14:45: Ryan has no concept of what a brake does, I can tell as he hurtles around the corner and into a pile of old tyres for the third time. Finally he gets the message that if you can't steer or brake in time to avoid a near fatal crash, you may well be going to fast...the penny droppeth...

15:30: Ryan, Roy and myself are now taking the mini golf challenge (crazy golf to you and me but a little more serious and a definite lack of windmills!!) I of course do the 18 holes in 10 strokes less than anyone else, Ryan had already thrown his golf club (putter) to the ground in disgust some half way around so he wasn't even in with a shout apart from me telling him off.

17:00: All done bar the shouting and we make our way back to the cars.

17:10: Back at our camp, we're having take out pizza today...the kids are either playing starwars or watching Shrek 2 in our mobile multi-screen cinema.

19:20: Just picked up our pizza's and Lisa's Lasagne...we're busy munching our way through it...I casually drop in to the conversation..."did we actually pay for this ?"....no one can remember paying for it which is fantastic, and it almost makes up for the Croque Monsieur earlier.....

Tuesday 2nd August 2005

"and it stops raining when exactly ?....."

Today is a bit of garbage day all round really....

08:28: Up with a start since a not really awake Mandy, is elbowing me to get up and make a cup of tea....We have to be up and out early since we're baby sitting Lisa's kids while her and Roy go and do some food shopping and sort out their leaving Switzerland tax stuff. "I'll get up in a minute" is my reply, "we've got to get up for Lisa", comes the sleepy reply, "I know I'll get up in a minute...", "when will that be" she's almost gone off again, "when my alarm goes off" is my stroppy reply, "oh....ok...zzZZZZZ"

08:30: Up now...I go out put the kettle on and sit and have a fag, while I'm waiting for it. The rain is hammering down, looks like it could be a fun day.

0845: Made the tea back in bed, just as I lean over Mandy, she mutters something about cable cars or something and I know she's still asleep.

09:00: Mandy's up with a start...this time, "god look at the time..." I'm sure he would but since time has no meaning to the great omnipitence, I don't suppose he'll bother, "why didn't you wake me?", "I did", I reply, "is my tea still warm ?", "yes love" I lie, I've no idea if it's warm or not, but that seems to appease her for now....

10:15: We toddle over to Lisa's where the kids are already climbing the walls. The next four hours consist of me lying, then sitting, then lying on Lisa's settee, then going out for a smoke, then coming back in making a cup of coffee and tea...Mandy is playing with Bethan and is looking totally engaged (naaat!) as jigsaw puzzle after jigsaw puzzle comes out.

11:00: The boys are all making star wars lego models. They're also planning their battle scenes. Jack and Owen's ships show the most detail and are really well constructed, Ryan's is somewhat less detailed and now in pieces as he's just dropped it on the floor. Clearly Ryan and Rhys have concentrated on the action sequences for their scene, whereas Jack and Owen's is static and almost photographic. I camcorder them none the less.

15:00: Lisa and Roy have come back, Bethan is in tears as she thought they were going out again !!!

16:00: It's still raining....

17:00: Looks like the rain has stopped now, so we unleash the dogs of hell, or the children as they're better known.

18:30: Time to round up the children, so we can leave Lisa and Roy in peace.

18:45: Back to our cabin, Mandy is preparing, chicken, ham and cheese, kievs, sort of chips, (i'll come back to them later) and sweetcorn. Only trouble with our cooker is that there isn't one. We basically have 4 gas rings (and no bloody toaster!!). The rings themselves haven't seen a temperature hotter than 20 degrees since they were made, so frying anything let alone deep frying anything is almost impossible.

19:10: Our dinner is served ! Fried chicken, ham and cheese, kievs (contradiction in terms actually), sweetcorn and the the piece de le resistance, semi fried, potatoe fricasay. The oil you see wasn't hot enough so we ended up basically boiling the potatoes in fat (sounds terrible doesn't it ?). Actually it was very nice and I'm preparing to write to Jamie Oliver, to suggest it to him for his next book!!!

21:00: I finish off yesterdays blog material, then Mandy does some quiz questions.

22:00: All done, kids are in bed (just and squabbling again!), I prepare my next film to watch.

23:00: It's still raining.................

Wednesday 3rd August 2005

"we should see Mont Blanc today....."

09:00: We're up, well some of us are...Ryan, is still asleep. Well I think it's Ryan, but it could equally be an alien wrapped up in a blanket. Jack is up, since he spent half the night in our bed with bad ankles !!??!!

11:00: Over to Lisa's, today we're going into Geneva, for a boat trip around the lake which should be fun. We're also going to the swatch shop, since Lisa is convinced they sell skeleton watches and I've been after one of these since forever.

13:30: In the centre of Geneva, having jumped on one of their trains, then on a tram !!! Wunderbar !!! We troop the ducks in to the swatch shop, with the proviso that they "DONT TOUCH ANYTHING!!!"...lo and behold a rather nice skeleton watch, which the sales assistant in her very best English (which was pretty good actually), explained that it was automatic, didn't need a battery or winding, "ah ok in England we call this Kinetic", "really ?" she asked, "yup" I replied hoping for a 50% discount, but no, 180 francs lighter we exit with the said watch.

14:30: Our trip around the lake is about to begin. We're queued up by the ramp to the boat which isn't there yet.

15:30: Just finished the boat trip, which was fairly interesting, well as interesting as the commentary could make it being at least 5 minutes faster than the actual boat itself which kept having to speed up so we at least could almost see the sights at the same time as the commentary explained them...."over to the left can be seen in good weather, mont blanc", nup not a sausage just some fluffy white clouds....Rhys then announces that he needs the toilet and Lisa explodes. Now having taken Bethan at least twice on the boat and having asked both Rhys and Owen, if they needed to go, you can understand that really...apparently he didn't hear her...kids who'd have them eh ?

16:30: We're wandering over to the largest toy store in Geneva, the plan is to wait until about 6pm so we can go to this Lebanese take away that's supposed to be much better than MacDougalls. 6pm because Roy will be meeting us there after finishing work.

17:30: We're visiting a gold topped Russian Authodox church, which is fairly impressive and Rhys is talking the hind legs of a donkey as per usual, "uncle cre8, what is you favourite children's film ?", "pirates of the carribean" I reply, "ok, what's your favourite childrens film with Ewan Mcgreggor in ?", I feel at this point I should explain that Rhys is a massive Star Wars fan, if that wasn't self evident already....the conversation moves on, or rather Rhys moves it on, "who's your favourite England cricket opening batsman..." I think for a minute then my thoughts are interrupted (handy since I couldn't actually remember any England opening batsman anyway), "mine is Marcus Trescothick", "yup mine too...." comes my not surprising reply.

17:45: Owen is lagging behind now, I think he actually has transported his mind to pokemon city, since he seems to be actually having a battle with some invisible monsters and is muttering to himself...every so often after being prompted by Lisa, he comes back to earth and realises there's a pedestrian crossing to cross and traffic to avoid...

17:50: Bethan is hanging on to Mandy, punching her every now and then and then running off, before repeating the cycle....Jack is complaining about his leg, his ankle and any other piece of his anatomy he can complain about..Ryan is just walking looking like a sk8ter boy and generally trying to wow the Genevian crowd, such that there is.

18:00: We're at Mujahadine's burger bar...they do some other bits but burger meals seem to be a speciality. Mandy has a burger meal, and I order a cheese burger meal. The kids have burger meals. Roy has joined us and he and Lisa have ordered something a bit more exotic.

18:30: I did comment to Lisa and Roy that I thought they'd been lying to us and that Mont Blanc wasn't in Switzerland, "no it's not", says Roy with a smug grin on his face, "it's actually in france", remember no one likes a smart arse !!! ;-))

19:00: All done with the munching, we tram and then train it back to Lisa's. We stop for a quick coffee and tea before making our way back to our cabin in the hills.

22:00: Kids are finally in bed after devouring their third banquet of the day, Jam and bread, with Ice tea....We're on our own tomorrow, so we're going to have fun just finding somewhere......

Thursday 4th August 2005:

"passports ? do we really need them ?...."

09:00: Up with another groan today...my back is killing me, it's this bloody bed. Jack and I exchange morning grunts and I put the kettle on, Mandy and Ryan are still dead to the world, despite Mandy's automatic, "make me a cup of tea...", some twenty minutes ago. I sit on the steps of the cabin, sunglasses, and dressing gown, how british am I ?

10:00: Mandy's up and washing her hair, Ryan is still asleep, or at least I think he's still asleep. I break in to the boys "bedroom", to find a blanketed bundle on what seems to be Ryan's bed. I shake it and say "wake up mate...time to get up..." with the quite normal "uuurryeah...minute....".

11:00: We're all up and planning our day, we need to hop across the border to get some shopping and some swiss francs, then we're off to Nyon, to catch a boat across to Yvoire a quaint little medieval village in France, so we need euros too. Fortunately we have plenty of these.

12:30: "ring ring, ring ring", "hello ?", "hello Lisa it's me...", "hello you" comes her reply, "ok we've done Nyon town centre, driven past the station, but we don't seem to be able to find lake Geneva, let alone a ferry..." she then directs me down a slightly different route with the profound "you need to find the lake road, it goes past the lake", aha! now we're talking...."then you need to find a parking space along the side of the lake, somewhere close to the ferry, if not you need to find one somewhere else", top directions those !!! Needless to say she does help, since we've actually parked on the road we need to be on to find the lake road, inspired or what ??

13:30: Ok so no parking spaces by the lake, so park somewhere else....

13:45: Everyone is desperate for the loo, we've only travelled about half an hour and I'm sure everyone went before we left, very odd phenomenum that. We find a public toilet by the side of the car park in the centre of Nyon, which is handy and the boys rush off to vent their bladders. Mandy tries the door of the Ladies loo, only to discover it's locked and she's more desperate than any of us to go. We walk around to the gents which is obviously open and I can tell that Mandy is contemplating almost seriously diving in to the cubicle and going in there. I go in to discover that the cubicle is actually just a hole in the ground with some foot pads for squatting over, I relay this to mandy and she thinks better of it claiming that she can in fact hold on. I'm just going myself when I hear some discussions going on outside. A german or dutch couple have turned up more desperate by far than us, and the male of the couple comes in and does what comes naturally. The female then appears at the glassless window and asks if there's cubicle, which her husband tells her there is and I correct him with "it's only a hole in the ground", that doesn't seem to be stopping her and since my embarrassment (of riches) is on full display at the angle she's looking in at, I conclude that she must be a. dutch and b. desperate, there's no stopping her as she whistles past me as I beat a hasty retreat.

14:00: We wander down some fairly narrow, Nyonian streets, winding there way down to the lakeside. We stop at the ticket booth which appears to be closed, so we check the timetable to discover that the next boat is actually half past three.

14:30: We cross back over the road and make our way to a news agents, to buy a drink.

14:45: The ticket office will be open in 5 minutes, so we sit on the wall of next to the lake, take some family photo's and drink our drinks.

14:50: The ticket office is open on time..so I queue up to purchase our Yvoire tickets.

15:00: After explaining to the man that we wanted some tickets for Yvoire is kindly points out that we will have to wait another 30 minutes before we can go...quite why he's explaining since the queue, has a sign, saying that the next boat was in 30 minutes....

15:15: We're sat in a little park by the boat point, waiting for our boat to arrive and it suddenly occurs to me that Yvoire is in fact in France and we're currently in Nyon, in Switzerland, I give Lisa a call and ask if we'll actually need passports...apparently not, let's hope, that today isn't, french be anal about passports day.

15:30: We're boarding the boat, and Ryan is now crying, since that frendliest of creatures the swiss wasp has decided that flying up his football shirt, and stinging him between the shoulder blades is a top thing to do. Triffic, it only seems to be a partial sting so his discomfort is simply that and doesn't seem to last for too long.

16:00: We make it over to Yvoire, not a customs official in sight. In fact there isn't even a customs point...note to self, smuggling of arms etc in to France from Switzerland can be achieved very easily via this route....

16:15: We're walking along, lookin at all the nice shops and taking in the atmosphere and make a few excursions in to one or two of them. Chocolate and postcards seem to be the order of the day, oh and squabbling and pushing and thumping your brother also seems to be on the menu to.

16:30: We stop at a little cafe for a coffee and an ice cream, not that they deserve it. I basically threaten to take Jack's trousers down and smack his bare bum unless his behaviour improves and Ryan is only an inch away too.

17:30: We make it back to the boat point, just as the boat comes in. We queue up and then I'm concerned that this isn't the Nyon boat at all, since in the main, it's pointing in the wrong direction and also because the sign on the boat doesn't mention Nyon at all....I ask the scurrrvy captain, of the boat if this boat is going to Nyon and he simply replies "Non!"...right then....talkative chap. He shows his watch to me and mutters something about cinqante, which I'm guessing will mean 10 to 6 for the boat to Nyon. We make our way to a little grassy area and the kids play for a bit up a little wooded area.

17:45: I see the boat pull in and the queue assemble and there's no sign of Ryan and Jack, I go up the little path through the trees, avoiding the man on the moped who's intent on running anyone over in his path. I retrieve the boys and we make our way over to the end of the queue. This boat has a sign for Nyon on it so we're pretty safe I think.

18:00: Back on the boat making our way across the silk like lake. Mont Blanc (we think) is now clearly visible, so there are some good shots (we hope) of that.

18:30: Back at Nyon now, and we have the unenviable task of making our way back to the car park, which is up a fairly steep hill, the last thing you actually need after a day wandering around a medieval village.

18:45: Back at the car, having paid the whopping 4 francs to park (about £2.00) and we're on our way back to "le cabin" and dinner after first stopping at the Champion super market.

19:00: We're wondering around the supermarket. Mandy has decided that for dessert tonight we're going to have the same merangue's we had the other night after our trip to Gruyere. Unfortunately the supermarket doesn't sell those particular merangues so we end up getting some slightly different pink and white one's instead. Jack and I will have ice cream with ours, however the only flavour that seems to be worth having and that we can both agree on is chocolate, so we take a tub of that. Mandy and Ryan want cream with there's but our quest to find the said cream has only resulted in the discovery that not only do the french only have UHT milk, they seem to have only UHT cream too. I suggest that rather than continue the quest for another 30 years that we just get a carton of that and I'm told in no uncertain terms in her best obstroporous snobby voice "I'm not having that rubbish, I want proper cream !!!", well pardon me, I apologise on behalf of the french nation for their inability to supply my wife with "proper cream" and we continue searching "aha...'Cream'" we find a tub of what we think is cream...it even says it on the lid...now I know that the french for Cream is Creme, so I'm more than a little doubtful, but since the only other thing we can find is Creme Fraishe, which none of actually know what that is, we decide to take a chance on that.

19:30: Back at "Le Fleutron", we decide to let the kids blow off some steam in the pool..which they do for 20 minutes or so while Mandy and I dodge and flick at the flies from hell and try and drink a coffee at the same time.

19:45: Dinner is served, some sausages, new potatoes and sweetcorn, now for desert.

20:15: It appears that the merangues we've bought are strawberry and vanilla flavoured, they're also impregnable with a spoon, so I resort to breaking mine up with a steak knife. It also appears that the tub of "cream" we bought is either off or is in fact creme fresh, as it's very very sour to the taste. Mandy and Ryan try to eat their merangues as they are, end up sucking the life out of them instead...ah well...I tried really hard not to mention the carton of UHT cream which we could have bought, I say I tried, what I actually meant is I failed miserably not to mention it....luckily Mandy is too tired to thump me, though I'm sure she'll store that one up for later.

20:30: Mandy is now frantically packing anything she can in to bin bags and suitcases and carrier bags, there's a steady stream of her in and out of the cabin, loading up the car which will obviously now never move again, I offer to help, just as she packs the last bag, well it's a token effort, I do have coffee to drink and a cigarette to smoke, I guess I know who'll be driving across the viaduct in the rain on Saturday already......


Saturday 6th August 2005

“it’s a bloody long way to England….”

06:00: Up before the sun today, we’ve got the person to come and “check” our cabin at 8am so we need to be up, get breakfast done, and finish cleaning up the cabin before then.

06:30: Jack is up now, playing his gameboy, not addicted in the slightest.

07:00: Mandy is up washing her hair, and muttering something about having to clean the toilet, Ryan is still asleep….

08:00: Ok on my 99th cup of coffee and no sign of the “cabin checker”….I’m starting to get annoyed…

08:15: Just about to go and complain in my best obstreperous English, when the “checker” arrives…she looks in all the cupboards and the fridge and then says “ok that’s very good….” in possibly the only English she knows….

08:30: We drive down and I collect the 160 euros, deposit, from reception….we wave goodbye to Mont Blanc, now vanished behind some clouds and make our way back to Angleterre….

……..


10:30: We’re back, we’re knackered, and can’t be arsed to unpack the car, Ryan believes that I’m honestly going to let him play virtual gameboy on his PC now… boy do I have news for him…

11:00: We collapse in to our beds…at last something I can sleep on….work to look forward to on Monday…………..