Thursday, March 03, 2005
Adventure 12: 3rd March 2005
"leak, what leak ?".... Ok it's been a little while, got so much buzzing around in my brain....
I did take a couple of days off this week (monday and tuesday), yes I know I'm a rebel. As with all things 'day off' like they aren't really days off, oh no, no lounging in bed until midday, or watching Trisha, until I can't take it anymore (which for the record is about 5 minutes into the start!). No my days off this week were for plumbing, specifically the downstairs loo. You wouldn't beleive such a small room could take so long. I put in a new sink and toilet, built a cabinet under the sink and then tried the impossible, building some doors to go on the cabinet.
The results are looking not bad but I did have one or two minor "adventures" along the way.
It all started with a construction of the bathroom cabinet. Easy enough, some furniture board, expertly cut to shape by me with my wobbly jigsaw (I defy anyone to cut anything straight with one of those). Fortunatey I didn't have to cut any straight lines but I did have to cut around the shape of the sink which was fairly interesting. Still that done, and some 2b2 (homebase straight variety), with some furniture board sides later the thing is virtually done. Now to make yup make some doors. Easy enough, no mitres to worry about, the wife just wants square joints. Well the first problem I come up against is the fact that not only can I not jigsaw in a straight line, but now I can't even drill a hole in a straight line, much swearing ensued and a bit later I had what I can only describe as a none square door, with far too many holes in it. I often figure that there must be a massive market out there for wonky drills and jigsaw blades that actually counteract my and other peoples tendancy to vere off at an angle somewhere approaching 20 degrees.
It's been snowing for some time, but even though it's about -38 outside the ground isn't frozen so it's just adding to the waterlogged nature of my back lawn. I always think it's a bit of a waste when it snows and that annoying git in the office says "it won't settle", I mean what do we have to do to get a decent amount of snow ? Living in the mid south of the UK we seem to be too far west and south to get anything more than a few flakes stuck to a few grass blades. Kent oh Kent!, if we'd lived there we'd get 10 inches but not hampshire oh bloody no...grrrr...
Anyhow back to the doors, or not as wife would have it, "instead of doing the doors, why don't we" (I love that "we" business don't you ?" " ...do the toilet instead", hmmm, it's a tricky decision that...replace the toilet (what are the stringy bits that hang out the back of it any way?), or make some doors, so WE decide to do the toilet... The toilet is all constructed, and after I discover that the mains feed is actually the other side now, we nip to homebase. Following the open wallet surgery that I've once again had to endure (still I make up with it with a couple of scart leads, one of which I don't actually need (but you can never have too many)), we escape with the relevant angles and copper pipe and glue and stuff required (I think) to complete the job.
So I've by now connected up the mains, the waste is connected to (bit of a struggle but we're there), so now it's time to switch on the mains supply. I open up the isolating valve and water begins to fill the cistern, alls well so far.
Then I hear the drip drip drip from the screws holding the cistern on, quick as a flash I'm there with my trusty screw driver tightening the screws so much so I know they'll never come off....dripping seems to have stopped, but there is a puddle of water behind which doesn't seem t have come from the holes.."hmmmm I know what I'll do" so I flush the toilet whilst watching from underneath the cistern, "wooooosh", I'm soaking wet...then I suddenly remember a large foamy type washer thing...I wonder if that was supposed to go between the toilet and the cistern...I think perhaps it should have ;-<....Of course getting those screws undone now is going to be a real laugh!.
Picture the scene, I'm almost laid over the toilet pan (the one that has no lid currently) trying to undo the screws with a screwdriver (on the nylon nut!!) and the wife squeezes in, "what colour do you think we should paint in here, I think the mottled squashed pidgeon from DontLux what do you think ?, are you going to carry on with the doors once you've finished ? The sink doesn't seem to sit quite straight" ...."AAAAAAAGHGGHGHH" so I do the unthinkable and suggest that she stop wittering on about things while I try and unweld this nylon nut from it's thread, that's it she's not talking to me now...bugger!
An hour later, and I've finally got it sorted, the loo is in place and flushes without flooding an area the size of a small country, I've made my peace with the wife (you know at least I think I have, she'll be storing it up for later use!) but now the loo has developed an unstable feel to it, rocking backwards and forwards on the oh so even tiles the wife has put on the floor. In fact even screwing the sucker to the floor doesn't seem to have helped. What's needed is a call to the plumbing advice line, so I phone the wifes dad....Dave the Stormin' Boiler suit, or Grandalf the Grey (the kids came up with that I promise) He advises lifting the toilet with some universal tools (or screwdrivers to you and me (paint stirrer, lever, bespoke chisel etc etc 1001 uses) and squeezing some "No More Plaster" under the toilet then leaving it to dry for 24 hours or so.
That done I move on to my doors...which I now decide are not going to be screwed together at all and since I need a screw that is about 2.5 inches long and I have 3" or 2" screws that's not such a bad thing, I really couldn't face another trip to GIVEUSALLYERMONEY DIY store and I'm absolutely not using the UNIVERSAL USELESS MINI ELECTRIC TOOL, who's sole purpose in life is to waste my time trying to find things to use it for. No, no more screws, in fact and here's an irony, I'm actually going to use No More Nails and some Nails !!!!! Must send that to their sales department muahahahha!.
Doors are now made (well the frames are and they're almost square!!) Work tomorrow, great, then the snow starts again, great.....
08:45: Back to work on Wednesday 11th, and the atmosphere is terrible, you know when you get the feeling you're being talked about ?
09:00 The grand wizard has disappeared into a "How to Manage and Influence people" course, I'd thought it would just be a case of waving his magic wand and capow! things would happen but apparently not.
10:00: Got notification of a "Team Talk" which is where the magician stands up and tells us how it's going to be, real inclusive that, apparently and suspiciously his boss Dunk The Skunk (rebel MC) is also attending. The time oh yeah 12:00 - 13:00 hmmm lunch time, so I politely send an email asking why it has to be then and couldn't we make it 2pm or something. I get this snotty email back, saying "I'm very sorry if this inconvieniences you...but it's got to be at this time and it's imperative", yeah right, it'll be a real imperitive meeting, I can just feel it...and I was only asking after all.
11:00 I've just discovered that the grand wizzards course isn't what i thought, I've managed to obtain a copy of the course literature and I'm disappointed I wasn't asked to go on it.
here for your perusal...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was particularly interested in the filling ICE CUBE TRAYS section, as I beleive that someone got the design wrong on that one...
12:00: Nearly lunchtime, the phone rings (bugger!), it's the Skunkmaster (rebel mc), he's got an urgent change to make to the corporate website, results pending etc and the hosting centre have gone and changed the box and now he doesn't have access. "Yeah being all nice now aren't you" I think to myself, "Can you help ?", "sure I can" I reply, "I really need this desperately", It's like lambs to the slaughter isn't it, "Ok I'll give them a ring". I put the phone down, wait around for 10 or 15 minutes, then I phone the hoster UNATTENDING INC, after 5 minutes of greensleves played by some epileptic spider on a xylaphone, I get "Drew" christ why can't they just have normal names like Bill or Fred, "oh sorry I can't talk to you coz you're not on my list", "groovy" I think, "We've got an email from Skunkmaster, but he's not on our list either", "But he's the IT Director" I say rather pathetically, "yes we know sorry, we need to talk to Karen Sharkbite to gain approval", "Ok I say and put the phone down", I phone the skunkmaster straight away and in a fit of suicidal feelings I relay the conversation I just had with their "support" guy. Following much gnashing and grinding of teeth and threats of tearing up contracts etc, I get "Ok thanks Cre8, I'll phone them, I really need this doing quickly", "I'll do the best I can" I reply helpfully, "No cre8, I need you to do better than that"...better than the best I can, I muse, how exactly does someone do that ? ...About 30 seconds after this my phone rings again (note to self, take phone off hook, when approaching lunchtime)...it's the third line, twice removed support geezer, who has a propa name !!! "Hello it's Bill here" my prayers have been answered !!! "We're sorting the Skunkmasters problem on an emergency change, how quickly do you need it implementing ?" oh probably in about an hour or two I most helpfully advise ;-) I am evil, I really am ;-)
12:30: Lunch - Mother in laws and Grandalf's coz the wife just has to go in to town. I turn up to find my Bacon a little crispier than normal, I won't mention it coz at least we've dispensed with the cancer causing brown sauce and now we have some pucker barbeque stuff..very nice (if not a little crispy)
13:30: Back to work
14:00: In the datacentre trying to work out who and what the hell is plugged into this switch and my mobile goes, "not another agency desperate to find me a job" I think to myself, nope it's the grand wizard, who's been taught to talk to his staff to help improve morale (it's a novel approach I'll grant you), he's actually stood outside the door of the data centre and we meet about 3 feet from each other (yup I know I could have hidden).
15:00: As a result of the conversation earlier, I spend the rest of the day doing a plan for the deployment of a new proxy system, done the wizardry way, so christ knows if it'll actually work or not.
15:30: Quiet Rob has turned up, right in the middle of my plan, apparently he's bored, can't blame him, having to do documentation can be a real bind, especially if you keep being interrupted whilst doing it !!!! He doesn't get the hint, so I take him outside for a fag, good one this as it's about -37 degrees and he has no coat or even a jumper and better still he doesn't smoke !! ;-))
17:30: End of another beautiful day.....that I didn't see coz I was stuck inside...
20:00: Parents Evening !!! at POD's school...fan-bloody-tastic. Why do schools always have in huge letters, things like LET'S DO MATH and APOSTROPHE IS KING, etc etc...here's a wake up call MATHS ISN'T FUN FOR 8 YEAR OLDS AND PUNCTUATION IS THE MOST BORING SUBJECT ON THE PLANET !!! I refrain from mentioning this to the teacher, mainly because she has a bowl of sweets on her table and they're mint creams (yummy!). Apparently POD is doing really well, he's only buring 2 classmates a day at the stake which is an improvement (gulp). She then offers us a sweet, I take one for me and two more for the kids, "the kids don't like mint sweets" my wife helpfully mention's "I know", I very enigmatically reply ;-)))
I did take a couple of days off this week (monday and tuesday), yes I know I'm a rebel. As with all things 'day off' like they aren't really days off, oh no, no lounging in bed until midday, or watching Trisha, until I can't take it anymore (which for the record is about 5 minutes into the start!). No my days off this week were for plumbing, specifically the downstairs loo. You wouldn't beleive such a small room could take so long. I put in a new sink and toilet, built a cabinet under the sink and then tried the impossible, building some doors to go on the cabinet.
The results are looking not bad but I did have one or two minor "adventures" along the way.
It all started with a construction of the bathroom cabinet. Easy enough, some furniture board, expertly cut to shape by me with my wobbly jigsaw (I defy anyone to cut anything straight with one of those). Fortunatey I didn't have to cut any straight lines but I did have to cut around the shape of the sink which was fairly interesting. Still that done, and some 2b2 (homebase straight variety), with some furniture board sides later the thing is virtually done. Now to make yup make some doors. Easy enough, no mitres to worry about, the wife just wants square joints. Well the first problem I come up against is the fact that not only can I not jigsaw in a straight line, but now I can't even drill a hole in a straight line, much swearing ensued and a bit later I had what I can only describe as a none square door, with far too many holes in it. I often figure that there must be a massive market out there for wonky drills and jigsaw blades that actually counteract my and other peoples tendancy to vere off at an angle somewhere approaching 20 degrees.
It's been snowing for some time, but even though it's about -38 outside the ground isn't frozen so it's just adding to the waterlogged nature of my back lawn. I always think it's a bit of a waste when it snows and that annoying git in the office says "it won't settle", I mean what do we have to do to get a decent amount of snow ? Living in the mid south of the UK we seem to be too far west and south to get anything more than a few flakes stuck to a few grass blades. Kent oh Kent!, if we'd lived there we'd get 10 inches but not hampshire oh bloody no...grrrr...
Anyhow back to the doors, or not as wife would have it, "instead of doing the doors, why don't we" (I love that "we" business don't you ?" " ...do the toilet instead", hmmm, it's a tricky decision that...replace the toilet (what are the stringy bits that hang out the back of it any way?), or make some doors, so WE decide to do the toilet... The toilet is all constructed, and after I discover that the mains feed is actually the other side now, we nip to homebase. Following the open wallet surgery that I've once again had to endure (still I make up with it with a couple of scart leads, one of which I don't actually need (but you can never have too many)), we escape with the relevant angles and copper pipe and glue and stuff required (I think) to complete the job.
So I've by now connected up the mains, the waste is connected to (bit of a struggle but we're there), so now it's time to switch on the mains supply. I open up the isolating valve and water begins to fill the cistern, alls well so far.
Then I hear the drip drip drip from the screws holding the cistern on, quick as a flash I'm there with my trusty screw driver tightening the screws so much so I know they'll never come off....dripping seems to have stopped, but there is a puddle of water behind which doesn't seem t have come from the holes.."hmmmm I know what I'll do" so I flush the toilet whilst watching from underneath the cistern, "wooooosh", I'm soaking wet...then I suddenly remember a large foamy type washer thing...I wonder if that was supposed to go between the toilet and the cistern...I think perhaps it should have ;-<....Of course getting those screws undone now is going to be a real laugh!.
Picture the scene, I'm almost laid over the toilet pan (the one that has no lid currently) trying to undo the screws with a screwdriver (on the nylon nut!!) and the wife squeezes in, "what colour do you think we should paint in here, I think the mottled squashed pidgeon from DontLux what do you think ?, are you going to carry on with the doors once you've finished ? The sink doesn't seem to sit quite straight" ...."AAAAAAAGHGGHGHH" so I do the unthinkable and suggest that she stop wittering on about things while I try and unweld this nylon nut from it's thread, that's it she's not talking to me now...bugger!
An hour later, and I've finally got it sorted, the loo is in place and flushes without flooding an area the size of a small country, I've made my peace with the wife (you know at least I think I have, she'll be storing it up for later use!) but now the loo has developed an unstable feel to it, rocking backwards and forwards on the oh so even tiles the wife has put on the floor. In fact even screwing the sucker to the floor doesn't seem to have helped. What's needed is a call to the plumbing advice line, so I phone the wifes dad....Dave the Stormin' Boiler suit, or Grandalf the Grey (the kids came up with that I promise) He advises lifting the toilet with some universal tools (or screwdrivers to you and me (paint stirrer, lever, bespoke chisel etc etc 1001 uses) and squeezing some "No More Plaster" under the toilet then leaving it to dry for 24 hours or so.
That done I move on to my doors...which I now decide are not going to be screwed together at all and since I need a screw that is about 2.5 inches long and I have 3" or 2" screws that's not such a bad thing, I really couldn't face another trip to GIVEUSALLYERMONEY DIY store and I'm absolutely not using the UNIVERSAL USELESS MINI ELECTRIC TOOL, who's sole purpose in life is to waste my time trying to find things to use it for. No, no more screws, in fact and here's an irony, I'm actually going to use No More Nails and some Nails !!!!! Must send that to their sales department muahahahha!.
Doors are now made (well the frames are and they're almost square!!) Work tomorrow, great, then the snow starts again, great.....
08:45: Back to work on Wednesday 11th, and the atmosphere is terrible, you know when you get the feeling you're being talked about ?
09:00 The grand wizard has disappeared into a "How to Manage and Influence people" course, I'd thought it would just be a case of waving his magic wand and capow! things would happen but apparently not.
10:00: Got notification of a "Team Talk" which is where the magician stands up and tells us how it's going to be, real inclusive that, apparently and suspiciously his boss Dunk The Skunk (rebel MC) is also attending. The time oh yeah 12:00 - 13:00 hmmm lunch time, so I politely send an email asking why it has to be then and couldn't we make it 2pm or something. I get this snotty email back, saying "I'm very sorry if this inconvieniences you...but it's got to be at this time and it's imperative", yeah right, it'll be a real imperitive meeting, I can just feel it...and I was only asking after all.
11:00 I've just discovered that the grand wizzards course isn't what i thought, I've managed to obtain a copy of the course literature and I'm disappointed I wasn't asked to go on it.
here for your perusal...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was particularly interested in the filling ICE CUBE TRAYS section, as I beleive that someone got the design wrong on that one...
12:00: Nearly lunchtime, the phone rings (bugger!), it's the Skunkmaster (rebel mc), he's got an urgent change to make to the corporate website, results pending etc and the hosting centre have gone and changed the box and now he doesn't have access. "Yeah being all nice now aren't you" I think to myself, "Can you help ?", "sure I can" I reply, "I really need this desperately", It's like lambs to the slaughter isn't it, "Ok I'll give them a ring". I put the phone down, wait around for 10 or 15 minutes, then I phone the hoster UNATTENDING INC, after 5 minutes of greensleves played by some epileptic spider on a xylaphone, I get "Drew" christ why can't they just have normal names like Bill or Fred, "oh sorry I can't talk to you coz you're not on my list", "groovy" I think, "We've got an email from Skunkmaster, but he's not on our list either", "But he's the IT Director" I say rather pathetically, "yes we know sorry, we need to talk to Karen Sharkbite to gain approval", "Ok I say and put the phone down", I phone the skunkmaster straight away and in a fit of suicidal feelings I relay the conversation I just had with their "support" guy. Following much gnashing and grinding of teeth and threats of tearing up contracts etc, I get "Ok thanks Cre8, I'll phone them, I really need this doing quickly", "I'll do the best I can" I reply helpfully, "No cre8, I need you to do better than that"...better than the best I can, I muse, how exactly does someone do that ? ...About 30 seconds after this my phone rings again (note to self, take phone off hook, when approaching lunchtime)...it's the third line, twice removed support geezer, who has a propa name !!! "Hello it's Bill here" my prayers have been answered !!! "We're sorting the Skunkmasters problem on an emergency change, how quickly do you need it implementing ?" oh probably in about an hour or two I most helpfully advise ;-) I am evil, I really am ;-)
12:30: Lunch - Mother in laws and Grandalf's coz the wife just has to go in to town. I turn up to find my Bacon a little crispier than normal, I won't mention it coz at least we've dispensed with the cancer causing brown sauce and now we have some pucker barbeque stuff..very nice (if not a little crispy)
13:30: Back to work
14:00: In the datacentre trying to work out who and what the hell is plugged into this switch and my mobile goes, "not another agency desperate to find me a job" I think to myself, nope it's the grand wizard, who's been taught to talk to his staff to help improve morale (it's a novel approach I'll grant you), he's actually stood outside the door of the data centre and we meet about 3 feet from each other (yup I know I could have hidden).
15:00: As a result of the conversation earlier, I spend the rest of the day doing a plan for the deployment of a new proxy system, done the wizardry way, so christ knows if it'll actually work or not.
15:30: Quiet Rob has turned up, right in the middle of my plan, apparently he's bored, can't blame him, having to do documentation can be a real bind, especially if you keep being interrupted whilst doing it !!!! He doesn't get the hint, so I take him outside for a fag, good one this as it's about -37 degrees and he has no coat or even a jumper and better still he doesn't smoke !! ;-))
17:30: End of another beautiful day.....that I didn't see coz I was stuck inside...
20:00: Parents Evening !!! at POD's school...fan-bloody-tastic. Why do schools always have in huge letters, things like LET'S DO MATH and APOSTROPHE IS KING, etc etc...here's a wake up call MATHS ISN'T FUN FOR 8 YEAR OLDS AND PUNCTUATION IS THE MOST BORING SUBJECT ON THE PLANET !!! I refrain from mentioning this to the teacher, mainly because she has a bowl of sweets on her table and they're mint creams (yummy!). Apparently POD is doing really well, he's only buring 2 classmates a day at the stake which is an improvement (gulp). She then offers us a sweet, I take one for me and two more for the kids, "the kids don't like mint sweets" my wife helpfully mention's "I know", I very enigmatically reply ;-)))
# posted by cre8 @ 3:11 AM 
